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BVC Announces The Big Bang by Jennifer Stevenson

The Big Bang by Jennifer Stevenson

The Big Bang
by Jennifer Stevenson
a short story

Doris and Sam take the commercial flight to their niece’s wedding on Saturn.

A short story about using Jewish sex magic to power commercial airlines between Mercury and Saturn.

____

Jennifer Stevenson gets her ideas from comic books, dreams, junk mail, and the Reader’s Digest joke column. She would like to thank the ever-ready Phil Foglio (www.xxxenophile.com) for the idea of the “lifters,” an aeronautical innovation which he introduced in “Hoisters” in his widely-applauded stroke book XXXenophile, number 5, July 1991.

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Read a Sample

The Big Bang

“Know what, Elise-honey?”

“No, what, Morrie-bunny?”

“Today’s our anniversary!”

“Baby! You remembered! Does this mean we’re going to—”

“You betcha, sugarplum.”

“Awww, we don’t have to.”

“We do. For my dollface, anything.”

“Oh, Morrie! I’m getting—”

“All choked up?”

“—horny.”

~o0o~

“Flight crew, prepare for takeoff.”

ding!

“Good morning, passengers, and welcome to Sol’s Local Shuttle to Saturn. Today on board our jumbo nine-ninety-nine we’re flying four hundred forty passengers. Flight time is expected to take ninety minutes.”

“And undocking, takeoff, landing, docking, and deplaning will take five hours. Hell, I used to fly to Jersey in less than five hours. Including all the bullshit at the gate and runway. And I didn’t have to wear diapers.”

“We’re not flying to Jersey, Sam.”

“No, we’re flying to Saturn. I ask you. Why can’t your niece get married in Palm Springs like everybody else? What the fuck is Saturn? Just another fucking amusement park.”

“Don’t be coarse, Sam.”

“Oh, you know damned well what’s going on here. Right here on this plane.”

“Stop it, Sam.”

“No, I’ll prove it to you. Hey stewie, what powers these things? My wife wants to know.”

“Sam, really.”

“C’mon, tell her. Tell her.”

“Uh, it’s technical, sir.”

“There, see the way she blushed?”

“Sam, I’m blushing. You’re embarrassing everybody.”

“Well, what the fuck is Saturn.”

ding!

“Should the cabin lose pressure, the emergency seal will drop down over your seat. Please listen for this chime.”

dang!

“If you hear it, immediately remove your arms from your armrests and place them in your lap, and place your feet under your seat to prevent accidental amputation.”

“Great. I’m already folded up like a pretzel.”

“Does that mean I can’t hold your hand, Sam?”

“Doris, this isn’t like a jet takeoff.”

“Just until we’re up. You know I hate takeoff and landing.”

“You won’t feel a thing.”

ding!

“Our plane will be flying through ‘O’ space for approximately ninety minutes. Passengers who experience discomfort in ‘O’ space should notify their flight attendant immediately and request medication.”

“Better call her now. I can take it, but can you?”

“Sam, honestly.”

~o0o~

“Any first-timers back there?”

“Yeah, one oldster couple in row twelve.”

“Trouble?”

“He looks like a pincher. She’ll be all right.”

“These geezers always get carried away.”

“I heard that.”

“Ahem, Elise, your team getting settled?”

“I’m running the check now, Captain.”

“Take your time, ladies.”

“It takes as long as it takes, Captain. And tell those snot-noses in the cockpit that we could use another team in here.”

“Sorry. Four’s all you get today.”

“Don’t come crying to me if this whole flight goes to hell instead of Saturn.”

“Define the difference!”

“Flight crew, pipe down. Check your teams, Elise.”

“Nag.”

~o0o~

“All right, girls, status?”

“Nadine checking in, Jared’s up.”

“Barbara checking in, Tristan’s up.”

“Lucille checking in, Brett’s up.”

“Selma checking in, David’s up.”

“And Morrie’s up. Very good, girls. We’re short-handed today. Let’s make it as smooth as we can. Get those he-men working and don’t let ’em quit.”

~o0o~

“I hate it when she calls us ‘he-men.’”

“David, you’re not supposed to hear th …

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