Trollope and the Toxic Friend
The Evolution of a Toxic Friendship
The Palliser novels of Anthony Trollope are all about power and connections. One common theme of the novels is how women, legally and culturally powerless, could gain power through their connection with men. In the case of the Vavasor cousins in the first novel Can You Forgive Her?, this led to a distorted and exploitative three-way relationship.
Kate Vavasor was an ambitious and intelligent young woman who had no use for men in the conventional sense. She didn’t want to marry, but she was devoted to her intense and magnetic brother George. They came from an aristocratic but not wealthy family, so George was able to use his connections and his energy to get a series of good jobs. Kate believed he could parlay those into a parliamentary position with her guidance and support.
But to achieve these aims, Kate needed the financial and social support of their cousin Alice. She inherited an income of 4000 pounds a year (at least 400,000 pounds in today’s currency), and as a result, could have had her choice of husbands. But she was lonely, a motherless child with a passive and distant father. Her cousins Kate and George provided her companionship, and they persuaded her to become engaged to George. This betrothal was as much a result of Kate’s manipulation as George’s attractiveness. Fortunately, Alice realized that George’s volatility could be dangerous, and broke off the engagement. As the novel opens, she had decided to marry another man, the quiet and calm John Grey. But she was not in love with him, and longed for more intellectual stimulation and social interaction.
Kate exploited these doubts, guiding Alice to consider that she could be betraying her own true self. She pointed out that the curious and intelligent Alice should have a more meaningful life and make more of a contribution than this dull marriage could allow. Alice came to wonder if John Grey had any depth or passion, and with Kate’s encouragement, she broke off that engagement too. Now, twice betrothed and not yet married, Alice was adrift, and quickly agreed to Kate’s proposal that they take a holiday in Switzerland. Surprise! George came along too, supposedly to keep them safe, but really to ingratiate himself once again with Alice. He claimed to be newly dedicated to representing the less-fortunate in a career as a radical/reform member of Parliament… with Alice’s help. Manipulated again by Kate, she promised to bankroll his campaign, and he won the election. However, the expense and George’s debts had grown to be too large even for Alice’s annual income to cover. Unbeknownst to both of them, the still-loyal John Grey arranged to pay for Alice’s contribution.
When George learned of this interference, his violent reaction frightened Alice, and she once again broke off the engagement. He responded with even more violence, breaking his sister’s arm and trying to kill John Grey, then fleeing to America. (Yeah, just what we Yanks need!) Kate stayed loyal to him, but Alice was finally done with her cousins, and married the loyal John Grey.
Friendly Virtues and Toxic Exploitation
Kate Vavasor was a good example of a bad friend. Her greatest sin, I think, was that she exploited not just Alice but the values and virtues of friendship to get what she wanted.
Kate really understood and valued Alice, and this gave her great influence. Alice was lonely and felt unnecessary in the world, but Kate praised her intelligence and goodness and offered her a purpose. Kate probably truly believed this was good for Alice too, but her paramount loyalty was to her brother.
In some ways, Kate demonstrated all sorts of the virtues of a good friend. She was attentive and appreciative, a good companion with ideas for action and fun. She really understood Alice’s loneliness, and empathized with her desire for connection and involvement. She also sensed that Alice’s passivity was due to fear, and sparked her motivation and curiosity. She organized the trip to Switzerland, opening up the beauty and romance of the wider world. She challenged Alice to act with passion and purpose.
The problem was—this was all in service to her brother George. Kate used all these elements of true friendship—the understanding, the empathy, the appreciation—to achieve something that was good for George but bad for Alice. And once Alice realized that, it was the end of their friendship. She understood finally that Kate had used her knowledge of Alice to manipulate her and influence her action. Their friendship ended with an exchange of letters—Alice firmly expressed her disappointment and established new boundaries, and Kate tried to distract with an amusing account of her new companions and setting.
Another Holiday, Another Cousin-friend
For all the pain and sorrow Kate inflicted on Alice, she also gave her some valuable lessons. First, the betrayal by Kate and George taught Alice to distinguish real quality. Once she was freed from the magnetic pull of the Vavasour siblings, she was able to appreciate the steady and thoughtful John Grey. And, though definitely wounded by Kate’s disloyalty, she had come to know herself better. In some ways, Kate introduced Alice to herself—the compassionate, curious young woman.
She was even brave enough now to attempt a new adventure—a second European trip with another cousin, Lady Glencora Palliser, who had confided her plans to desert her husband and run off with yet another magnetic young man. Alice had empathized but also advised caution, newly aware of the dangers of dazzling impecunious men. Lady Glencora’s husband learned of the escape and halts it, sacrificing his own political career to take her away to Europe to recover from what was something of a nervous breakdown. Understanding that Glencora wouldn’t want to be entirely alone with him, Palliser asked Alice to come along as a companion and confidant. This was almost a parallel to the earlier Swiss journey, but this time, Alice was appreciated for more than her money. (The Pallisers were far wealthier than she, for one thing.) Mr. Palliser came to value Alice’s good sense, and Lady Glencora found her a thoughtful and compassionate sounding-board. Alice was essential to Glencora’s recovery, and the Palliser marriage was restored. And Mr. Palliser repaid the favor by inviting John Grey to join them, and later hosting their wedding.
Kate’s betrayal helped make this new true friendship possible. While she used Alice shamelessly, she also taught her to value herself and defend herself. From that toxic friendship, Alice emerged with new wisdom and acceptance. She found a true friendship with the warm and generous Glencora, and it was no coincidence that both women learned to appreciate the honorable and honest men who loved them. They’d found a friendship that was mutual in the best ways, a true sharing of their different personalities and abilities.
Alice was not a significant presence in the other books of the Palliser series, but there’s no doubt that the benefits of their friendship carried on for Lady Glencora. With Alice as an example, she was able to slowly build a lifelong friendship—one that started in rivalry and distrust. That’s the story of Glencora and Madame Max, two strong women who evolved what was probably the greatest friendship in Trollope’s many novels.