Inappropriate Probably

So last week Trump claimed that noise causes cancer. We all know this is silly on many fronts, but my writer brain sort of kicked into gear and so I wanted to share how I pursue ideas, even silly ones. And yes, I often go off on irreverent and really wrong scenarios. It’s fun. So this is how it progressed:

So you suppose deaf people have to worry about noise-caused cancer? I mean, do you have to actually hear it to get cancer? Or just be in the locale while there is noise happening?

Do all noises cause cancer or just some?

Do certain noises cause cancer faster/to be more aggressive? Like a baby’s shriek or a toddler’s tantrum v. a rock concert v. heavy machinery v. dogs barking v. cheering crowds at a game v. Brittany Spears or the baby shark song?

Is this cancer of the ears? Brain? Or something else? Hair? Or does it attack the entire body like UV rays? If so, how do you protect yourself? Is there some kind of noisescreen like sunscreen? How do you identify it as noise cancer v. some other cancer?

I’m betting the Barney the Dinosaur theme song is highly cancerous. That and the Pina Colada song.

Fingernails on a blackboard? Is that super duper cancerous? How about ten thousand repetitions of Frozen because your kid loves it so much? Does hearing it once cause cancer or is it multiple times? Tinnitus–is this a symptom? A cause?

Do sex noises make the danger worse since you’re naked? Or hopefully naked. Maybe you aren’t.

If sex noises make it worse because you’re naked and exposed, how do you have protected sex? Do we have to redefine unprotected sex? Are there noise protection condoms for everyday life? How have we survived this long?

What about animals? Are they susceptible?

How is it diagnosed? How come nobody has ever noticed before? Does that mean it’s not a very easy cancer to get? Or just that we don’t notice it and we’ve all had cancer all our lives and simply didn’t notice?

I continue to ponder this. Apparently because all the other things I have to do are less important.






Inappropriate Probably — 9 Comments

  1. Ooh. If we build on this “theory,” maybe we can use it to get bans on leaf blowers. (OK, that’s unprincipled and probably even immoral, but my hatred of leaf blower noise is great.)

  2. So if noise causes cancer and IF we find that deaf people are immune, does this mean there will be a rush of people who will deliberately go deaf, like some women have a double masectomy to avoid breast cancer?