For the past five years, I have been on assignment to track down and interview the most hideously putrid, merciless brain-eating zombies in the world. Common sense must lead us to conclude that no matter how mild and benevolent the victim has been in life, the zombification process will inevitably render him degenerate and violent. Even the most tender-hearted and refined of persons will turn single-mindedly murderous. I do not say this to offend those of delicate sensibilities, but to remind the gentle reader of established fact.
I am not the only reporter with this goal. My colleagues have also been investigating the fate of history’s most bloody and heartless criminals. Many of these candidates perished without the benefits of zombification. Soon I discovered that of the many possibilities, an increasing number had already been claimed.
In desperation, therefore, I extended the scope of my search. I ventured across trackless wastes, toxic and otherwise, through jungles filled with vampiric mosquitoes and dangers even more vile, into caverns measureless by zombies and finally to the wind-swept steppes of Central Asia. There I sought one of the most infamous butchers of the ages, the man destined to become the notorious zombie of all times.
Zombie Genghis Khan.
Here, then, is the interview the world has been waiting for!
D J Ross: Mr. Khan? Mr. Khan, might I have a moment of your time? No, please do not brandish your spear in my general direction. I’m here to bring your immortal words to readers across the world.
G. Khan: [indecipherable]
DJR: Brains? No, I wish to hear about your exploits, particularly since your resurrection as Zombie Khan. What were your thoughts upon awakening from the dead?
G. Khan: I have brains.
DJR: Yes, yes, zombies of lesser status have indeed been known to eat the brains of their victims. But surely a person such as yourself, who has run amok over an entire continent — oh yes, and more, please accept my apologies for the oversight– surely you have higher aspirations to mayhem and destruction.
G. Khan: I have brains! I have culture! I have elevated thoughts! I have . . . poetry!
G. Khan: Permit me to elucidate:
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s brains? Thou art more gory and more violent. Rough winds do shake the brutal brains of May And summer’s gore hath all too short a date. But thy unfailing pillage shall not fade, Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade.
What think you of my composition?
DJR: Didn’t William Shakespeare write that poem?
G. Khan: Shake spear? I’ll shake your spear!
DJR: This interview is now con —