Teleporting Animals

This week we had another mysterious case of animal teleportation. Two days earlier we’d noticed that one of our ewes had come back into season – she was over by the fence to the ram’s field, dressed to the nines and baa-ing seductively into Shaun’s ear.

So, we opened the gate and let her through. Two days later we were on our way to bring her out of Shaun’s paddock, when we noticed she wasn’t there. She was back in the main field with the other ewes. But how? There was a one-metre high sheep-proof fence between the fields. The gate was locked and there was no sign of damage along the fenceline. Sheep couldn’t jump it or burrow underneath it. The only time it had been breached – by the redoubtable Black Ewe while being chased – she’d left behind a broken fencepost and a mangled stretch of wire.

The only answer was … teleportation.

Very few people talk openly about animal teleportation. And yet most cat owners experience it daily. You can be sat down of an evening watching television when suddenly you become aware that you have a cat on your lap – sometimes several – but no memory of when the cat arrived. It’s very easy to put this down to inattentiveness. The cat strolled in and climbed onto your lap while your thoughts were elsewhere. But, deep down, you know different. Your cat has powers. And one of them is the ability to teleport onto your lap.

We first became aware of the teleportation power of animals when our first dog, Zaphod – a whippet sized lurcher – teleported from our garden into our deer field. We didn’t see him teleport but … one minute he was in the garden with us, the next he was the other side of a six-foot high fence. Even red deer couldn’t jump that fence. The gates were fenced too. There weren’t any holes or places he could have crawled under. Our first thought was that he’d run at the gable wall and attempted some kind of parkour move to gain height before somersaulting over the adjacent fence.

But deep down we knew.

Anyone else have a teleporting pet?

Chris Dolley is an English author living in France with a frightening number of animals. His novelette, What Ho, Automaton! was a finalist for the 2012 WSFA Small Press Award for short fiction. More information about his other work can be found on his BVC bookshelf .
An Unsafe Pair of Handsa quirky murder mystery set in rural England charting the descent and rise of a detective on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Which will break first? The case, or DCI Shand?
Medium Dead – a fun urban fantasy chronicling the crime fighting adventures of Brenda – a reluctant medium – and Brian – a Vigilante Demon with an impish sense of humour. Think Stephanie Plum with magic and a dash of Carl Hiaasen.
What Ho, Automaton! – Wodehouse Steampunk. Follow the adventures of Reggie Worcester, consulting detective, and his gentleman’s personal gentle-automaton, Reeves. It’s set in an alternative 1903 where an augmented Queen Victoria is still on the throne and automata are a common sight below stairs. Humour, Mystery, Aunts and Zeppelins!
French Fried true crime, animals behaving badly and other people’s misfortunes. Imagine A Year in Provence with Miss Marple and Gerald Durrell.
International Kittens of Mystery. If you like a laugh and looking at cute kitten pictures this is the book for you. It’s a glance inside the International Kittens of Mystery – the only organisation on the planet with a plan to deal with a giant ball of wool on a collision course with Earth?



Teleporting Animals — 10 Comments

  1. This comments page will now fill the internets with cat stories. Like my Barry: who is one of those cats who can fuss around your feet downstairs, sit neatly in the hallway to watch you climb the stairs, and then greet you at the top without ever having passed you mid-flight.

    I have now frustrated this ability by moving to a house with no stairs. He will, of course, get around this somehow.

  2. My cats tend to disappear when they are sick or frightened. We search high and low, dig in closets, under beds, on top of cupboards, behind washer and dryer. No cat. The doors and windows haven’t opened. We shrug and call into the ether “I hope you make a tasty coyote lunch,” then sit and wait. 2-4 hours later they appear, exactly where we last saw them. They’ll wash and look at us with that “What?” look. They know where they’ve been so why should we worry.

    • I think cats occasionally nap in hyperspace. We’ve often had cats suddenly appear in a room we’d earlier searched thoroughly and declared cat-free.

  3. You wouldn’t think an English bulldog could possibly teleport, but after he farted, he would suddenly vanish. If he vanished, we had learned there was a reason, and that reason would soon hit us with nuclear intensity; the only way to combat it was to light a match.

    I was young at that time, living in a kind of communal situation in Hollywood. I’d just started dating my husband. The first time he witnessed all of us suddenly drop everything and dive for matches, lighting them and holding them around, he thought we were part of a weird cult.

  4. This provides a possible explanation for a situation I remember from my youth. A group of us would be sitting around in the living room, listening to music, talking, and doing other things young people did back then. We’d be sitting on the couch and in chairs, and the dog would be on the floor. But before the evening was out, the dog would have taken over the couch and the people would be sitting on the floor. As I recall, the first few times it happened in an evening, we would instruct the dog to get off the couch, which she would do reluctantly, only to magically appear there once gain a few minutes later. At some point we gave up and resigned ourselves to the floor.

  5. I had a dog that could teleport food from the counter to her stomach. She was a small border collie. There was no sound of scrabbling claws getting up on to the formica counter (which had cabinets fairly close overhead, so it would be an awkward landing). No thump of 40 pounds of dog hitting a linoleum floor from counter height.

    Yet half a can of textured vegetable protein vanished from a cutting board on the counter. There was no moisture or crumbs on the floor. The cutting board and implements were exactly where they had been.

    She did this at least twice (my husband made spaghetti a lot, and used half a can of textured vegetable protein in the sauce).

    Border collies are intelligent, highly-motivated dogs, but this was good, even for her.

  6. Ha. Our pitbull/Rottweiler/mystery dog teleported today through a closed door. I put our new kitten into a bedroom for a few minutes while I got dressed for work, and closed the door. When I opened the door to let her out fifteen minutes later, both she and the dog greeted me. Tachi (the dog) does not go upstairs; the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs was in place; I heard so sound from the room while I was in the room next door; I heard no doggie toenails on the wooden stairs. Teleportation is the only explanation.