Aaand the final deleted HellCEOs scene from It’s Raining Men. It’s kind of a good thing the editor cut ’em. Really. Because although it’s way too much fun writing ’em, there’s no sex in ’em.
<Blogmaster> Dear members, I’m sorry to say that, although our blog calendar looks full, with two devils signed up to blog every day, we have had a serious number of missed days in the past ten months. Our hit rate has been dropping, due to our failure to provide daily fresh content. Please, please, if you are too busy to blog on your scheduled day, let the blogmaster know so that a past entry can be repeated. Remember, a podcast of souls howling in torment is easy to record and can be retweeted using tinyurl across every member’s twitter account, multiplying our exposure exponentially and increasing awareness for every participating HellCEO.
Really, people! If we want a blog presence, we simply HAVE to meet this commitment! I know we’re all super busy but that’s no excuse for letting our most popular feature slide.
Hint: CATS are huge! Put a cat in your blog and watch your hit count soar!
<firstname.lastname@example.org> O sure, you want CATS in your blog to bring up your pathetic NUMBERS, but you only let ME blog twice a week. Well FUCK YOU, all you chauvinist loser pigs. I’ve been on this list since day one, and what kind of respect do I get? Now you want to put KITTENS in our blogs to keep your pathetic loser followings from TANKING. Well FUCK Y-O-U ‘cuz I’M OFF THIS LIST. I QUIT. Go find yourself a LOLCAT to pimp your loser asses. Goodbye forever!
<BigGuy@gmail.com> I told you all it was a mistake to let Sekhmet on. Nine hundred coreligionists. Not even nine hundred.
<Eblis@att.net.net> Maybe it’s meow-o-paws.
<BigGuy@gmail.com> The five-thousand-year change-of-afterlife kind.
<KaliDurga@hindihell.com> You sneered at her numbers when she came in, but when the rest of you fink out on your blog commitments, Sekhmet is the one who steps in and fills the hole. To all intents and purposes it’s been a Sekhmet blog, with occasional visits from people who are usually too busy to post. Is it any wonder our numbers are dropping?
<Eblis@att.net.net> It was your idea to let her in at the beginning, Satan. You actually approved of the “disgruntled silent minority” for a while.
<BigGuy@gmail.com> Who CARES about a fucking blog? What IS a blog, anyway? I never bothered to figure it out.
<Blogmaster> You were down for two posts a month, mister biggest-thing-in-the-first-world.
<email@example.com> And we’re now in an era when we have to put kittens on our blog to get people to read it.
<Eblis@att.net.net> Would it hurt to let a few love goddesses in?
<KaliDurga@hindihell.com> Sex sells. Just sayin’.
<firstname.lastname@example.org> Sex sells for some of you. I never needed it.
<Eblis@att.net.net> Hades, dude, you have tenure. That’s how dead your home office is.
<BigGuy@gmail.com> I never needed sex to sell.
<Eblis@att.net.net> Our Home Office sanctions it for the faithful.
<BigGuy@gmail.com> One peri with little fluffy wings for every member of the faithful in paradise. Woohoo. Gimme them old time coals of fire rivers of blood millions in screaming torment that’s what I’m talking about
<KaliDurga@hindihell.com> Come off it, Satanas. What about your regiment of thirty thousand succubi and incubi? Or are those just paper demons you use for inflating your reports to your Home Office?
<BigGuy@gmail.com> MAY YOUR NOSE BECOME AN ASP AND SINK ITS FANGS INTO YOUR EYES
<KaliDurga@hindihell.com> Get over yourself.
<BigGuy@gmail.com> MAY YOUR GENITALS BECOME A RIVER OF MOLTON LAVA TO BURN YOU FROM THE CENTER OF YOUR SUPPURATING CORPSE FOR ALL ETERNITY
<Eblis@att.net.net> Someone didn’t take his meds today.
<BigGuy@gmail.com> YOU GUYS ARE LOSERS I AM THE BIGGEST DEVIL IN THE FIRST WORLD BOW DOWN BEFORE ME OR SUFFER MY WRATH
<email@example.com> And somebody’s forgotten that he’s just the Regional Office manager.
<Eblis@att.net.net> Oh, please. Can we kill this thread?
PS, the sequel, It’s Raining Angels and Demons, is now available!