There are so many unsavoury characters preying on new authors these days – with their offers of representation or editing or marketing assistance or book formatting – that we at Book View Cafe thought it was time that we did something about it.
So we’ve joined forces with the widow of the late President of Penguin Nigeria to bring you … Book View Cafe’s very own Customised Reviews And Promotion package!! And, believe me, you have never seen CRAP like this. We have taken CRAP to a new level.
Had problems getting your book reviewed? Sales not as good as you expected? Well look no further. All the Book View Cafe promotional secrets can be yours – everything you need to turn your languishing book into an international BESTSELLER!! Want to sell the movie rights? We’ve got that cracked too. The only thing we don’t supply is the ten-foot barge pole to keep those book groupies off your front lawn.
And, if that’s not enough, we have another announcement too. We’re going to create the biggest, most prestigious, glitziest book award ceremony ever!! Move over Hugo, here come the Spammies!! Yes, Book View Cafe is proud to announce the Superlative Publishing Award Medals. As you can tell by the title, it’s not just an award. There are medals … and sashes … and tiaras. And it’s going to be televised LIVE on … THE SHOPPING CHANNEL!!!
But that’s enough hype, let’s talk details. What do you get and how much does it cost?
Customised Reviews And Promotion
Of course it all depends on how much CRAP you want. But, remember, the more CRAP you buy, the greater your success will be.
Standard package (CRAP lite) – only $99 !!
By partnering with the largest email distributor on the planet, Book View Cafe can get details of your book emailed to EVERY man in America with erectile dysfunction, and absolutely EVERYONE in need of Canadian pharma.
Enhanced package (CRAP tastic) – from $999!!
The enhanced package gives you access to our guerrilla marketing team. Guerrilla marketing is what sets Book View Cafe apart from conventional publishers. We don’t just go the extra mile, we break into the house on the corner when we get there and wallpaper the lounge with book covers.
It’s why BVC has recruited so many members with colourful pasts. In today’s publishing world books don’t sell themselves, they need to be pushed. And a publisher that doesn’t have a cat burglar on the payroll is not taking their job seriously. At BVC we have two of the best – Sherwood Smith and Madeleine Robins, renowned cat burglars who rarely use a hotel elevator if there’s a drainpipe nearby. Dave Trowbridge interned for years with a safe breaker. Laura Anne Gilman is well known to Interpol for her second storey work. Marie Brennan is a classically trained Archaeologist specialising in extreme tunnelling. And when it comes to needing a quick getaway, no one can extricate a team faster than Judith Tarr and her Lipizzans.
And, finally, there’s me. As many of you know I was a teenage freedom fighter with the Free Cornish Army or The Barclays Free Cornish Army as it was called after the branding deal I brokered with a leading British bank.
So what does a guerrilla marketing team do? Quite simply they get your book into places where it can be seen by people who matter. Places that conventional marketing just can’t reach.
And when you combine that with outside-the-box thinking, you get a craptastic promotional package that sets your book apart from all the others.
For example, when it comes to promotional products, forget bookmarks and fridge magnets – the in-product this year is … wait for it … novelty toilet rolls!! We can get the cover of your book printed – 3-ply – on every sheet! Then our guerrilla marketing teams install them in the public washrooms at conventions, book fairs and all major bookstores.
Blurbage: Need a cover quote from a famous author? Book View Cafe can get you that killer quote. We know all the top authors – and which schools their children go to. One late night phone call using our patented voice distortion unit and we’ll secure any quote you want
Olympics: Want to have your book seen by over a billion people? Sign up for our Olympian package, and Jennifer Stevenson, clutching your book, will parachute into the Olympic Stadium during the 100 metres final. That’s right. The 100 metres final!! And for an extra $1000 she’ll get Usain Bolt to autograph it … while running!!
Tattoos: Have your book cover prominently tattooed on … a hooker!!. He, or she, will then lurk in convention lobbies and bars looking for publishing executives, film producers and movie stars. If arrested, the hooker will hold up a copy of your book for the mug shot!
Product Placement: Our guerrilla marketing team has product placement down to a fine art. You want a big movie star to read your book? Or a Hollywood producer? We’ll make it happen. With a little creative lock picking, we’ll have copies of your book on their nightstands, their desks, the passenger seats of their cars. Everywhere they go, they’ll see it. Believe me, they’ll go nuts for it!!
Editing services: We have teamed up with hundreds of professional editors – many of whom have English as their first language. All have been trained in the use of Spellchecker and Adverb Buster, the world’s leading search and destroy software aimed at
boldly removing superfluous adverbs from the literary canon.
And there’s more. In fact we will be selling all kinds of CRAP packages. Remember, the more you pay, the more it has to be worth.
And now, our other announcement:
The Superlative Publishing Award Medals
It’s an award. It’s a medal. It’s televised. It’s simply the best damn award on the planet. And all it costs to enter is $99. But unlike other awards which are controlled by evil gatekeepers and big name authors in the pay of the Secret Masters of Fandom, the Spammies will be open to all. Except the indigent.
And there’s more… Want to increase your chances of winning? Why not enter twice! Yes, for an extra $75 you can prove how serious an author you are by doubling your chances!!
We’re not finished. Want to increase your chances of winning even more? Why not become a judge! For only $495, you can judge the category of your choice. On TV!!! Wearing, for only an extra $79, a genuine Old Bailey Judge’s Wig!!! (black cap optional)
We’re still not finished. Unlike other awards that stop once the awards have been announced, the Spammies just keep on going. Disappointed with a bronze medal? Why not pay $69 to have it upgraded to a silver? Or, for only $50 more, gold? Everyone’s a winner with the Spammies.
And don’t forget you’ll need to look fabulous for that picture on your website. So why not stop off at the concessionary booth on the way to the podium and buy a sash (only $49!!) or a tiara (only $149!!) You can be sure everyone else will.
But what if I don’t have a book? Don’t I deserve a prize too?
Of course you do. The modern book award is not about books, it’s about money. And in a free market economy that means you, the customer, can have your say. Want to sponsor a category? Want a prize named after your dog? Want a Gold Statuette presented to you by the actor of your choice?
Then give us a call ($2.75 a minute on 0800-SPAM) and we’ll make your dreams come true. The Spammies – we care about your money.
Chris Dolley is an English author living in France with a frightening number of animals. More information about his other work can be found on his BVC bookshelf .
An Unsafe Pair of Hands – a quirky murder mystery set in rural England charting the descent and rise of a detective on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Which will break first? The case, or DCI Shand?
Medium Dead – a fun urban fantasy chronicling the crime fighting adventures of Brenda – a reluctant medium – and Brian – a Vigilante Demon with an impish sense of humour. Think Stephanie Plum with magic and a dash of Carl Hiaasen.
What Ho, Automaton! – Wodehouse Steampunk. Follow the adventures of Reggie Worcester, consulting detective, and his gentleman’s personal gentle-automaton, Reeves. It’s set in an alternative 1903 where an augmented Queen Victoria is still on the throne and automata are a common sight below stairs. Humour, Mystery, Aunts and Zeppelins!
French Fried – true crime, animals behaving badly and other people’s misfortunes. Imagine A Year in Provence with Miss Marple and Gerald Durrell.
International Kittens of Mystery. If you like a laugh and looking at cute kitten pictures this is the book for you. It’s a glance inside the International Kittens of Mystery – the only organisation on the planet with a plan to deal with a giant ball of wool on a collision course with Earth.