Book View Cafe Presents a new line: MODERN CLASSICS!

After the success of the classics with zombies added, we thought, look at all the readers getting a dose of classic literature without realizing it. What better gift can we give literature than to repurpose those outdated stories for the modern audience?

The line kicks off this month with TESS VS. THE D’URBERVILLES!

What happens when a girl wronged and wronged again and then wronged some more is given a machine gun? That Guy and all his Victorian counterparts are gonna Make Tess’s Day.

 

 

Next month,  we give Papa Hemingway a ratings hike. His first great work, full of doomed relationships and the senselessness of war has, been retooled to modern tastes for mayhem. Read this 900 page  mega-classic–700 pages of added gore and guts goodness–in A FAREWELL TO ARMS AND LEGS.

But we will not overlook the YA audience. Louisa May Alcott gets a make-over as Professor Bhaer invents the moving pictures ahead of Edison and Co.  Follow Jo and her orphans from rags to riches when the Little Rascals organize all the orphans of New York into stadium fighting, filming the matches as they charge tickets to watch that kid on kid action in JO’S RASCALS.

Other planned classic improvements: FROM MANSFIELD TO PARK AVENUE. Audiences nowadays don’t like Fanny Price—the girl with self-esteem issues and those annoying moral principles. Read about the New Fanny, who becomes a publishing mogul. Will she have Religious Right leader Edward Bertram, or billionaire playboy Henry Crawford? Or will she dump them both and run off with Mary Crawford to take on Hollywood?

BEOWOLF: Viking werewolves vs. monsters!

TOM AND DICK JONES: London’s porn industry, 1749!

BRAVE NEW FACEBOOK: Where everybody can stalk everybody, and the mega-corporations that suck up every detail of your life then take it over in order to Serve You Better!

Yeah, April Fool’s! If you’ve read this far, maybe you have a couple extra minutes to play around? What are some titles you’ve longed to spiff up for the modern eye, and maybe give a boost to a sagging storyline? Here’s the place to unleash your inner editor!

 

 Sherwood Smith’s Pre-classics at Book View Cafe

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Book View Cafe Presents a new line: MODERN CLASSICS! — 17 Comments

  1. CRAZY ROWLEY: As an insidious femme fatale drives the steely-jawed paladins of Homeland Security to distraction, only legendary superspy ‘Jolly’ Roger Rowlands can save Uncle Sam from the fiendish plans of the Grand Vizier of Eurabia! But OH NOES! The ‘Dark Angel’ takes advantage of our swashbuckling hero at a nightclub, stealing his memories and converting him to her decadent puritanical cause before you can say “Abdul Alhazred”!

    Now Rowlands’ estranged ex-lover – high-kicking, hard-as-nails Special Agent Bradleia Amante – must team up with Rowlands’ estranged ex-partner – high-blood-alcohol, hard-as-Priapus Special Agent ‘Foxy’ Reynolds – to ride experimental telepathic project HIPPOGRIFF into the maelstrom of her old flame’s innermost fantasy landscapes, and recover his lost wits in time to avert catastrophe. Marry i’ faith strike me pink, it gets lurid in there! Can Leia* and Foxy save Western civilization in only 195 action-packed pages? Guaranteed poetry-free!

    *No relation.

    “As self-indulgent as Ariosto at his best!” – A Gentleman.

  2. (falling off chair laughing, especially that last line)

    Finally edited and upgraded:

    FINNEGAN’S AWAKE

    And the reader will be, too, now that it’s got an actual plot! And what a cool plot! Anna Livia Plurabelle defects from the Aporia Institute, secret HQ of a world-striding mega-corporation, and sits in a cafe by the river Liffey exposing the CEO’s secrets on Facebook as her brother Humphrey stalks all the CEOs of the world to smash pies in their faces. But he himself is stalked by the CEOs’ secret, the world’s only AI robot, called the Prankquean, who is an assasin . . .

    Read this sexy, bloody, exciting tale of corporate espionage and power! It has complete sentences! Every word is in the dictionary according to Samuel Johnson!

  3. These are great–and I’d totally forgotten that it’s the first of April!

  4. I can’t possibly top these but if someone would like to take up Zombeo and Jules ,the heartbreaking tale of two families divided by a cemetery and the tragedy that befalls their coffins, I’d be happy to help.

  5. Fortinbras, Or, The Return of the Prince of Denmark: what happens after the entire Danish royal line claws itself out of its tombs the day after the conclusion of Hamlet and decides to return to its pillaging, Viking past, only with brainz.

  6. Strange in a Stranger Land: You’ve heard of sharing water? Now with brains! Michael Valentine Smith and his water brothers and sisters are coming for us all!

  7. Jane Eyre: what the governess didn’t know about Mr. Rochester’s first wife!

  8. Farewell to Arms and Legs and Finnegan’s Awake have my vote 🙂

    How about LOLita, the uproarious hijinks of an online pedophile?? He gets close to 11-year-old Dolores on GAIA online–but when he finally gets to meet her, discovers that she’s a 50-something former headmistress and Ministry of Magic official with a penchant for cruel and unusual punishment. Which turns out to be just up his alley—happily ever after!!

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  10. The other English class in my high school had to read Tess of the D’urbervilles. My class got stuck with Sister Carrie. Sadly, I can’t think of anything that would make that book better.

  11. Sister Carrie would have to get possessed by someone, or something, with an interesting personality! The city of Chicago was more interesting than Sister Carrie, as I recall from my one reading of that book.