After the success of the classics with zombies added, we thought, look at all the readers getting a dose of classic literature without realizing it. What better gift can we give literature than to repurpose those outdated stories for the modern audience?
The line kicks off this month with TESS VS. THE D’URBERVILLES!
What happens when a girl wronged and wronged again and then wronged some more is given a machine gun? That Guy and all his Victorian counterparts are gonna Make Tess’s Day.
Next month, we give Papa Hemingway a ratings hike. His first great work, full of doomed relationships and the senselessness of war has, been retooled to modern tastes for mayhem. Read this 900 page mega-classic–700 pages of added gore and guts goodness–in A FAREWELL TO ARMS AND LEGS.
But we will not overlook the YA audience. Louisa May Alcott gets a make-over as Professor Bhaer invents the moving pictures ahead of Edison and Co. Follow Jo and her orphans from rags to riches when the Little Rascals organize all the orphans of New York into stadium fighting, filming the matches as they charge tickets to watch that kid on kid action in JO’S RASCALS.
Other planned classic improvements: FROM MANSFIELD TO PARK AVENUE. Audiences nowadays don’t like Fanny Price—the girl with self-esteem issues and those annoying moral principles. Read about the New Fanny, who becomes a publishing mogul. Will she have Religious Right leader Edward Bertram, or billionaire playboy Henry Crawford? Or will she dump them both and run off with Mary Crawford to take on Hollywood?
BEOWOLF: Viking werewolves vs. monsters!
TOM AND DICK JONES: London’s porn industry, 1749!
BRAVE NEW FACEBOOK: Where everybody can stalk everybody, and the mega-corporations that suck up every detail of your life then take it over in order to Serve You Better!
Yeah, April Fool’s! If you’ve read this far, maybe you have a couple extra minutes to play around? What are some titles you’ve longed to spiff up for the modern eye, and maybe give a boost to a sagging storyline? Here’s the place to unleash your inner editor!