New Science: Seating for Armageddon Now on Sale

I will probably not be assigned a seat in this new Ark that promises survival in the coming Armageddon ( Not because I don’t want one, because I do (who wouldn’t want to survive?), but because I don’t have the 1.5 million euros it costs for a seat.

What reason could I possibly have for wanting to join this when I am so obviously barred from it? Simple. The great bard’s (Woody Allen’s) reasoning goes like this: “I don’t want to join any club that would have me for a member.” Using the reverse logic I get this: I want to join any club that refuses to admit me.

The sad thing is I would be rejected not just because I lack the entrance fee. There’s an additional barrier. Only the best and brightest human beings get accepted. That pretty much counts me out. When it comes to humanity, I exist securely in the middle of the bell curve.

More importantly, though, they are looking for people with the right “physical traits.” I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can smell racism when I see it. Just which physical traits are they looking for? Tall? I doubt it. Have you ever seen a basketball player or a supermodel in the flesh? It’s not pretty. No one would want these angular mutants hanging about. So maybe it’s short and dwarfish they’re looking for. People that can get in and out of tight spaces easily.

My inner wasp has no problem with elitism in any form. Unfortunately my gypsy soul takes offense. I’m sure my English grandmother has the right stuff to make current fanatical eugenicists happy, but unfortunately my Hungarian grandfather infused the line with the Slavic blood, usually deemed lesser-than by those that know. This half-breed need not apply.

Which is fine. I’m happy I won’t be experiencing the Apocalypse in a vault a mile below the surface of the earth. I’ve been eagerly anticipating the end of the world in 2012 for a couple of years now. Anyone who reads science fiction has come across the event tourist story such as Karen Joy Fowler’s “Standing Room Only,” where time travelers amass at Ford’s Theater on April 14th, 1865 to witness the assassination of Lincoln. My favorite type of event tourist story is the end-of-life-as-we-know-it-scenario, like Daniel Marcus’ “Echo Beach” where “it’s always the last day of the world.” I’d like to travel to the end of time. See what it’s going to be like. Witness humanity’s final hour. So for me, it’s best to be topside when the last blast blasts.

In fact, I was worried for a while when I discovered the Mayan end-of-the-world date had been calculated incorrectly. The Ark people reassure me. It might not happen in 2012, but they say it’s definitely going to happen sometime between 2012 and 2016. Thank god, still in my lifetime.

So take heart all you poverty-stricken, no-talent half-breeds. You will see the end of the world as we know it. In fact, join me. At my house. Seriously. Bring your own popcorn.

Okay, okay, I’m not taking this, this Atlas Shrugged knockoff called Ark Survival seriously. You know why I don’t think the Ark people have a line on the last chance for survival of the fittest? Because their reasoning suffers from the same flaw Ayn Rand’s thinking suffered. If you amass all the intellectual elite into one area, who’s going to do the shit work? You will always need no-talent half-breeds like me to do the tedious stuff. And don’t give me the line about using free energy to do everything. First off, there is no John Galt, just like there is no perpetual motion machine. Second, even if they do have a secret machine to create free energy, it would probably need something like “negative energy” to make the whole thing work and not upset the Laws of Thermodynamics. The Ark Survivalist website clearly states that there will be no negative energy in their new little brave world. So….

Hallelujah and pass the popcorn.

Sue Lange
Visit Sue Lange’s bookshelf with links to all the sarcastic literature you might ever need.




New Science: Seating for Armageddon Now on Sale — 14 Comments

  1. Hey there Sue! I’m working from memory here myself but you may find that the club quote comes from Groucho rather than Woody. Says a Marxist-Lennonist! 🙂

  2. Hey Kaz,

    Well, I think Woody probably stole it from Groucho. I think he steals a lot from Groucho. Which is fine. I’m pretty sure I steal a lot from Groucho myself.

  3. I assume this arc/ark (they seem to spell it both ways) is either a scam or a hoax or a piece of Internet-based performance art, especially since they are trotting out the supposed Mayan predictions about the end of the world along with asteroids and nuclear war, but not even mentioning climate change, disease, and the host of other issues that are going to make things uncomfortable for us all. (Nuclear plants blowing up in Japan, anyone?)

    Anyway, I can’t imagine anything much more horrible than being stuck in any kind of ark — underground bunker, spaceship, boat — with a bunch of Ayn Rand-worshiping racists who think they’re smarter than everyone else. Sounds like an updated version of Sartre’s No Exit to me, except with luck you would eventually die.

  4. Any group that will mispunctuate a title (Aaoogah! Aaoogah! comma splice!) does not merit the sunshine of my presence. Let them copyedit, redo the cover, and then apply again.

  5. Filker Joe Bethancourt has some pithy comments about the need for country folks – the sort who can fix the lander and whip up a pot of beans and probably has a still going in the maintenance area – in all these highfaluting endeavors. I quite agree with him.

  6. Plumbers. Never try this without a plumber in your group, or you will be in for a lot of shit, literally.

  7. I want the techs who manufacture DRUGS on board. If I can’t get my insulin I’d rather be in the first wave deaths and not have to worry about it.

    I’ve got the genes to qualify, but I also have the diseases that go with those genes. When the end comes, kill me early.

  8. I’m with Brenda. If they can’t write English well enough to know that a comma splice is incorrect (or maybe don’t even know what a comma splice is), I question their intelligence…or their competence…or both.

  9. Anyone see the movie 2012 by Roland Emmerich? He designed EXACTLY this arc survival thing-y in the movie … payable only in Euro’s too!

  10. From the viability standpoint, such arcs would do better if they took genetic “mongrels” for even mixes of recessive suboptimal and lethal genes. Ditto for the occupational mix: engineers across scales (from dentists to plumbers) would be uppermost with hands-on sustenance providers (which would include ecologists) close seconds.

  11. It feels like a hoax to me because they included that section on emails sent in. And the first one complains about the bad grammar and spelling. And then there’s a response that is pretty funny. So it feels like a hoax.