I expect many of you heard the news about the South Koreans recruiting goldfish to protect the G20 summit. Six goldfish have been placed in six water tanks around the conference building to protect the drinking water.
Animal activists denounced the South Koreans for animal cruelty. The lives of goldfish were being put at risk unnecessarily as there were other non-goldfish means of protecting drinking water.
Support for the animal rights activists came from an unusual source – Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian Prime Minister, who suggested scantily clad teenage girls could be just as effective. He used them all the time, he said. He had specially built pools in all his residences and wouldn’t dream of drinking water that a teenage girl hadn’t swum in.
The head of the Italian Trade Delegation, a former exotic dancer named Mimi, agreed. “It’s good for the girls too. Very little danger, except from Silvio, and the chance of a cabinet position after a year or two.”
Perhaps the most unexpected support for the animal activists has come from Homeland Security – not because of any fears for the safety of the goldfish, but because of a ‘credible threat’ to the summit from SPECTRE (The Society of Psychrolutidae, Eels, Cod and Turtles in their just struggle to Reconquer the Earth – a non-profit organisation based off the Cayman Islands).
“We believe it likely,” said a Homeland Security source, “that the goldfish have been infiltrated. Ernst W. Blobfish (pictured above, minus white Persian cat) the CEO of SPECTRE will stop at nothing to destroy this summit. He has operatives everywhere. One of the goldfish could be injected with an antidote allowing her to swim unharmed, while delegates drank a lethal cocktail.”
Blobfish, who lives in a secret underwater lair, was unavailable for comment. But his number two was seen floating in the water off Australia. When questioned, Emilio ‘Death’ Ray, denied that SPECTRE had any interest in the G20 summit. “Of course we deplore the exploitation of goldfish – who wouldn’t – but we would not stoop to anything so mundane as poisoning water. We are criminal masterminds. We don’t get out of bed for anything less than an orbiting death ray tectonic plate atomiser.”
Chris Dolley is an English author living in France with a frightening number of animals. His novel – Resonance (Baen) – can be downloaded for free here. More information about his other work can be found on his BVC bookshelf .
International Kittens of Mystery. If you like a laugh and looking at cute kitten pictures this is the book for you. It’s a glance inside the International Kittens of Mystery – the only organisation on the planet with a plan to deal with a giant ball of wool on a collision course with Earth. Forget Bruce Willis and his team of miners. Send for the kitties!