Boinkwurst Taxonomy

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In her post “Little pitchers have big ears,” my esteemed colleague Jennifer Stevenson listed some useful euphemisms, which I have s/t/o/l/e/n/ stockpiled for future employment.

But hang on one minute.

The list includes the term “sonic red boinkwurst.”

As an SF writer I must object to the combination of sound and light in the designations. “Sonic red” is like combining Greek and Latin for Linnean binomial scientific names.

Unless you’re talking about actual, like, you know, fireworks.

We must have some proper taxonomy of the two major subgroups of the boinkwurst, Concubitus farcimen.

Sonic boinkwursts:

high boinkwurst
low boinkwurst
basso boinkwurst
soprano boinkwurst
countertenor boinkwurst (rare; found only in certain operatic venues)

Newtonian Optiks boinkwursts:

Infrared boinkwurst (reserve for extremely hot stories)
Red boinkwurst
Orange  boinkwurst
Yellow boinkwurst
Green boinkwurst (Danger Will Robinson!)
Blue boinkwurst
Indigo boinkwurst
Purple boinkwurst
Ultraviolet boinkwurst (reserve for extremely intense stories)

And of course sonic and optik boinkwursts are interfertile, so you could have an F1 generation of, say, ultraviolet soprano boinkwursts.

Research remains to be done on which qualities are dominant and which recessive (or, on the quantum level, which are top and which are bottom).

Contact Professor Mendel.

— Vonda


Starfarers, by Vonda N. McIntyre. Cover art by RBrandtI blog here on Sundays and irregularly as the spirit takes me.

You can find The Starfarers Quartet at my Book View Cafe bookshelf, along with Dreamsnake, The Moon and the Sun, Superluminal, and a number of my short stories, including “The Adventure of the Field Theorems,” a Sherlock Holmes scientific romance.

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Boinkwurst Taxonomy — 7 Comments

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  2. I am puzzled, nay, perturbed by the scientific appellation “concubitus farcimen,” applied by Dr. McIntyre to an entity popularly referred to, it appears, as Boinkwurst. Could Dr. McIntyre have (in an understandable moment of mental vacuum) reversed the Linnaean descriptor and qualifier, intending to write Farcimen concubitum, so aptly rendered by Chaucer as “ye swivinge sausage”? — Dr. Ukel-Guhn, Univ. of Vielwurst, Austria.

  3. Or perhaps, Dr. le Guin, concubitus may be construed as genitive, which in context is rather appropriate? –Fraulein Doktorin von der Lipizzaner und Kaetzen

  4. I love you two mangling the German language ^^!

    And as a pedantic native speaker of said language I wish to point out that it would be Fräulein (only if you never were married) or “Frau Doktorin von den Lippizanern und Katzen”.

    Prof. Dr. Dr. Ukel-Guhn cannot be bettered, though ^^.

  5. Professor McIntyre’s hand is on bed rest. Her Lesser Tree Sloth assistant worked on the Latin name. When Professor McIntyre returns to primate status, she may have comments or corrections.

    h.p.d. mcintyre
    (lts)