The Competition: Pulp Sci-Fi Covers

Considering what’s been going on with Rocket Boy and All, I thought now would be a good time for another go-round with the classic response to John C. Wright’s funniest post ever . . .

John C. Wright offered an illustrated definition of science fiction that according to him, is “the final, complete and exhaustive definition.”  According to John, “Not to lose the thread of the argument, let us consider Trenchant Question Three: if these girls are so glamorous and so good looking, and have perfect complexions, perfect hourglass figures, shapely legs, sultry red lips and not much by way of clothing, why in the world would they even look at an overweight basement-dwelling troglodyte with mushroom-colored skin like me, the fan-dude reader?”

Hmn.  Well really – if a girl’s got one choice, and one only – who’s she going to choose?  The human fungus or . . .

Amazingst194005 This guy.

Come to think of it, he probably is fungus of some type.  And he’s got all your friends including Betty, your sorority sister, and those cutups Rex and Chester — living in a glass dome on top of his head.

Actually, fungus boy might have potential if he did something about that hair and complexion and got some veneers like any self-respecting guy would do.

How to choose . . . what’s a girl to do?Amazingst195005_2

She needs a man of substance, a man of brains.  Her mother always said, “It’s just as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor one.”  Here’s a fine candidate.  So what if he’s a little . . . old.  A girl can’t fault this guy for being honest.  He’s got his estate all laid out in a glass dome on top of his head.  Even if there is something a little Trump-like about him — he looks like he’s about to yell, “You’re Fired!”

A woman wants a man who’s in-charge.Astoundingst193906

You know – the kind of guy who knows smoking is bad for your health, and isn’t about to put up with something like that in his space pad.

A few bruises are obviously worth what’s in store for you, ladies, if you get into it with Mr. Anger Management.


A girl really appreciates a man who’s in control of the situation.  It’s the biggest turn-on ever to have him order dinner and drinks, and later, pick out just the right moment to lower your naked, heaving body into a vat of boiling tomato juice.


Girls like smart men, too.  This gentleman here is clearly well-established, with a number of studly man-slaves doing his bidding.  He’s got to be RILLY RILLY smart – just look at the size of that melon head!  So what if he seems a little . . . what’s the word . . . wizened.  Yes, that’s it.  You can put up with those skinny, freaky old fingers pawing you for a bit, and you know EXACTLY how to wake up those man-slaves later on, when Master is tending to his space gerbils.

Fantasticnovmag195307 I’ll let you in on a secret.

It’s every girl’s dream to be sleeping peacefully, dreaming of an overweight human mushroom, at the verge of being rudely awakened by a pink-eyed, blue-skinned peeping tom who’s just crossed over from passive to active sex offender.

Fantasticadv195201__aaaaa Girls love to be watched, as a matter of fact.  The bigger the eyes, the better, and two are definitely better than just one, as you can see right here.

Fantasticnovmag194901_covers3 Yes, girls adore being watched, but most guys think that they only want one fella at a time.  Au contraire — think of this lucky gal, after the minions of Satan finish their satanic ministrations and Mister Visine himself gets hold of her.

Uncannytales194207 Everyone knows that women love to have attention showered on them.  The more, the better — 24/7  And they love jewelry, too.  Kindly Doctor Fetish has a goody for this little (I always choose my words carefully) brunette.


Women love to be wooed.  They adore being approached with manners and subtlety.  Cap’n Pinhead here might have a bit of a weight problem, and his face leaves a bit of a chin to be desired, but clearly, he’s charming her panties off.  You can see it in his body language.  Just a bit more flattery, and . . .

Fantasticadv194602Guys, remember, though — this flattery and attention thing can go too far.  Mongo here should back off and let the little lady make the next move.  But then again, maybe all she’s upset about is that she’s got another boyfriend.

Fantasticst195309_covers3 There’s just something about getting carried away that needs no real explanation.

Swept off your feet by a tall, green egghead.

Planetst1945wi Those tentacles can come in handy.  Mighty handy.  Where no hand has gone before handy.

But sometimes a girl just wants to get down and nasty.  The basic stuff.  No extras, no talking, just hot, wild sex.  No commitments, nothing to get in the way.

And I do mean – nothing.

It’s every girl’s dream:

Planetst1942sp Mister Stiffy. A giant green animated penis with a mouth and lips.

Then again, women’s fantasies can be varied.  Sometimes, they go like this:



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