Short Movie Review – G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra

Run away!  Run away!

How short can I make this?  I have a friend who goes to movies like this expecting them to be terrible.  He’s never disappointed, and sometimes pleasantly surprised.

G.I. Joe was a pleasant surprise to him.  After all – we’re talking, what, $170 million bucks spent on special effects?  I suspect that half of it was spent on the chase through Paris streets, which was quite impressive.  This movie has some of the best explosions and continuous action I’ve ever seen.  It also has a cardboard plot and 2-D characters, and Christopher Eccleston and Dennis Quaid should be embarrassed and immediately admit they did it for the money.

I went to see friends I hadn’t seen in a month, and if they’d canceled at the last minute, I would have tried to get a refund.  I didn’t want to embarrass them, so I swallowed the ten bucks.  If I’d known they’d showed friends around town all day and were going home after the movie, I would have begged off.  Yup – it was that bad.

There was one thing (only one thing?  Ha!) that bothered me – what happened to the fourth nano-missile?  Did I blink and miss an explosion?  Checking out Roger Ebert’s review of the movie, I was pleased to see him say that he didn’t know what happened to the blasted fourth nano-missile, either.  On the editing floor, probably – or still out there waiting to drop.

This movie is rated PG-13, but I nearly hurled at the chase through Paris (we’re talking 90 degree camera flips, here) and I could not watch Eccleston’s character acquire 3rd degree burns.  I’d rate it half-way to R just for the latter.

What I could have done with all that money….

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About Katharine Eliska Kimbriel

Cat Kimbriel is working on a a contemporary fantasy about curses, ecological change, and very different ways of looking at the twilight worlds. She's still working on a short Nuala piece and mulling over a new Alfreda novel. You can find her fantasy & science fiction, including free samples, at her Book View Café bookshelf. These books can also be found at major online booksellers. Her personal blog is here, and you will find her on whatever social media currently interests her. Cat builds worlds that contain compassion and justice -- come join the journey.

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