When I was young, I was warned about penis envy. “Watch out for that,” I was told. “It’s total bullshit that The Man uses to keep you down.” I translated that to: “The patriarchy is a real drag. Don’t cop to it.” I listened to the warnings and remained wary, always on the lookout for people trying to tag my behavior as some sort of latent desire to be male. I laughed aloud if anybody ever used the words with a straight face.
Then I grew up and learned the truth. Penis envy is a reality and I have the spam to prove it. It has nothing to do with female neuroses, psychoses, or hatred of our bodies, however. It has everything to do with men and their insane competitive natures. They are all terribly jealous of each others’ thingies. They must be. If the content of my spam is any indication, the market for penile enhancement is through the roof. Offers for rod extension, boner improvement, and shlong long beat out every other form of spam put together including information on cheap Rolexes, Internet pharmacies, naked nubile Russian girls, and the former top of the spam pile: Viagra. Penis envy is so alive.
More interesting than Freud being proven right about that is the fact that he missed a whole other ailment: womb envy. I had never heard of this when I was growing up and that makes sense because I would not have suffered from it. Womb envy is yet another male affliction. I have proof of it and I can’t believe Freud missed it.
For documentation we return to Plato. In his Symposium, he said that Socrates said that Diotima said that philosophers and other types of creators are pregnant. They’re fat with bright ideas and beautiful thoughts. Their ideas are their children. And their children are superior than those born of women because creativity is divine and human babies are not.
Plato is slick. He says Socrates said Diotima (the female oracle) said this. He’s trying to throw Freud off the womb envy trail. He’s glossing over the fact that men feel inferior because they can’t make babies. A woman said it after all. Well, she sort of said it. Actually she was in some sort of hypnotic virgin-dance or something and had no idea what she was saying as she channeled god and foamed at the mouth. A woman would never be able to channel god properly unless she was in a hypnotic virgin-dance. Men don’t need that sort of thing. They have a direct line. An umbilical cord, I guess, they are pregnant after all. At least the philosophers are.