The Ultimate Reading Experience Enhancement!

A Book View Cafe Parental Control Homing ParrotWith all the excitement last month about applications that may or may not be able to calculate the number of ebook pages read (see here) Book View Cafe are proud to announce a new family of applications that will revolutionise the publishing industry.

Using Stepford University’s Smart Advanced Reading System Environment, we’ve developed an application that not only determines which pages are read but which words. The ramifications of this are HUGE.

BVC’s new technical director, Branwell Lovelace, said, “Smart ARSE technology is a game changer. Publishers will know exactly which words are skipped, allowing them to bring out special editions containing just the best bits. It’ll save paper, speed up the reading experience, and sell more books – as readers will be able to read far more books per year.”

Some fear this may lead to a dumbing down of literature, but Branwell believes the opposite. “This will bring great literature to the masses. With War and Peace slimmed down to a three page tweet, no one’ll be put off reading it.”

I expect some of you are thinking: That’s all very well for ebooks and readers of ebooks, but what about those readers who prefer physical books? How will their reading preferences be taken into account? You can’t make an app to log the words read in a paperback.”

Well… Book View Cafe can.

At BVC we like to think outside the box. And this time we’ve thought so far out of the box that the box is no longer visible to the human eye. It doesn’t matter if you’re reading a new hardcover or a battered second-hand paperback. Our new app will recognise them all.

But how?

A bio-engineered homing parrot!

Our homing parrots are trained to enhance your reading experience. They will sit, inconspicuously – some say, fashionably – on your shoulder while you read. Not only will they count pages read, but – if requested – they’ll turn the page for you with their beaks. Or wake you up with a gentle nip on the ear should you begin to nod off. And should you encounter any long words that need explaining, our parrots will only be too happy to help. Every bird has a vocabulary of at least 12,000 words – most of them clean!

And when you’ve finished your book, our homing parrots will fly back to the BVC regional nests to pass on the information collected to our resident Smart ARSE computer system.

Wait, there’s more…

We have developed … A Parental Control Parrot!

This parrot will sit on your child’s shoulder and vet his or her reading experience. Should your child open a book to a page with a bad word on it, our parrots will instantly wrap their wings around his eyes. And, if required, peck the offending words out of the book.

And, as if that wasn’t enough, our parrots are also excellent at removing head lice.

But, finally, a word of warning: A BVC parrot will never ask for your bank account passwords. It may ask for fruit, but never passwords. If a parrot asks for your passwords, ring the police immediately.


How Possession Can Help You Lose WeightChris Dolley is a NY Times bestselling author living in France with a frightening number of animals. His latest novel The Unpleasantness at Baskerville Hall came out on February 9th in ebook and trade paperback. His diet book How Possession Can Help You LOSE Weight has helped the human race lose nearly 3,000 tons of rarely used limbs. More information about his other work can be found on his BVC bookshelf . An Unsafe Pair of Handsa quirky murder mystery set in rural England charting the descent and rise of a detective on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Which will break first? The case, or DCI Shand? Medium Dead – a fun urban fantasy chronicling the crime fighting adventures of Brenda – a reluctant medium – and Brian – a Vigilante Demon with an impish sense of humour. Think Stephanie Plum with magic and a dash of Carl Hiaasen. French Fried the international bestseller – true crime, animals behaving badly and other people’s misfortunes. Imagine A Year in Provence with Miss Marple and Gerald Durrell. International Kittens of Mystery. If you like a laugh and looking at cute kitten pictures this is the book for you. It’s a glance inside the International Kittens of Mystery – the only organisation on the planet with a plan to deal with a giant ball of wool on a collision course with Earth? Resonance “This is one of the most original new science fiction books I have ever read. If it is as big a hit as it deserves, it may well be this book which becomes the standard by which SF stories about … are judged.”

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6 Responses to The Ultimate Reading Experience Enhancement!

  1. Sheila Gilluly says:

    You’re a very scary man, Chris Dolley. 😉

  2. sherwood says:

    Another ARSE in the news–and this one is not a politician!

  3. Sara Stamey says:

    Keep pecking! Thanks!

  4. Madeleine beat me to it.

    I tweeted that this is a VERY SERIOUS NEWS ITEM. (Reference: Paul Krugman’s definition of Very Serious.)

    The acronym made me laugh out loud.